Feelin' Myself

There’s this energetic blonde, laughing at her own jokes and telling stories no one asked for. She makes up songs for her cat and randomly talks in (bad) accents. She will dance to anything and has facial expressions that can reveal government secrets. She has a foul mouth and a dirty mind. She trips when she’s barefoot but walks in heels like a pro. She can organize a project she finds meaningful but can’t figure out her closet for the life of her. She falls in love with every dog she meets and befriends every kid. She breathes in the scent of fresh cut grass, salty ocean air, and brewing coffee like each time is the last time. She makes mistakes, embarrasses herself (and those around her), and still shows up again and again, willing to look like a fool if it means she’s living. She’s trying her best, and she knows you are too. She wants to live fully, feel deeply, and love unconditionally. She is my soulmate and I’m never letting go.

I realized something recently: I fucking love Myself. It’s true! I love ME. I know, it’s so hard to get a true picture of that whole “self-love” thing without it seeming a little woo woo or conceited, but apparently it’s the key to fulfillment. Not exactly the easiest pursuit though, trust me I have been working on it! Hype myself up, respect myself, set boundaries, blah blah blah… I think I actually figured it out. I have been a people pleasing, needing everyone to like me, trying to meet others’ expectations fool for too goddam long. I’ve been shedding that lately though, I’ve been pissing people off. I’m throwing out their “shoulds” and I’m going with my gut. I know I can trust my gut because I know my values – I know my heart is pure and my mind is open. I’ve heard before that confidence is the ability to trust yourself. Well, if I can’t trust myself then seriously… who the fuck can I trust? I trust myself to make the right decisions. Maybe not best decisions or easiest ones or the most knowledgeable ones. But at the time they will be the right thing, and I will adjust when needed. I trust myself to figure shit out, if I’m an expert in anything it’s that. I’m open to learning new things and listening to other perspectives and changing my mind. That’s actually one of the reasons I know that I can trust myself! I know that when introduced to new ideas or facts or situations, I can combine that with my existing knowledge and experiences to form new opinions. I also know that at my core I am a loving, happy, and fair human being. In the face of anything, I will never make a choice that harms another person or puts anyone in a bad situation. I know who I am, and that’s why I love Me.

I screw up a lot. But, majority of the realllllly bad screw ups have happened when I didn’t trust myself, when I went against my gut or my values in favor of someone else’s agenda. OKAY, maybe not the few cars I side-swiped when I was younger. Totally all me. It’s okay I learned from that! That’s what mistakes are for… P.S. Do NOT try to wave to a friend and turn your entire fucking body towards her house when your car is moving down a residential street – seriously just trust me on this one. My screw ups are not easy to face, but man oh man, I face them. I don’t shy away anymore, I’ve learned that the longer I hide or try to let the dust settle – the world is going on around me without my involvement. Well I am not going to make a mistake and sit back until I feel like everyone forgot about it or has forgiven me, just to emerge into a situation I did not choose or create because I was too scared to face anything. I can’t leave my life in other people’s hands anymore, I have to be active in it no matter how embarrassed or screwed up I am.

I simply cannot make everyone happy. I cannot make everybody love me (still a tough pill to swallow). I definitely cannot make everyone see my point of view or agree with my opinions. But that’s the beauty of loving yourself – trying to disprove these facts doesn’t rule your life anymore! I really don’t have the time. I got too much I want to do and accomplish and experience and ENJOY. Sure, it’d be great if everyone liked me and I could make everyone happy all the time… but I can’t handle that, and I don’t actually want to. I don’t know if it’s my age or the fact that I found out I have ADHD at 29 or all of the unapologetic self-awareness bullshit I’ve been doing, but I finally feel free. Free to be myself. Free to laugh at my own jokes. Free to learn from my mistakes without hiding away to lick my wounds. Free to open up my big ole heart and love hard. Free to dance to whatever song I damn well please. I’m not scared anymore. The less value I put on other people’s opinions and judgements… the less fear I have of putting myself out there, of living my truth. I’ve been on this self awareness/self discovery/finding myself journey for a few years now, and then finding out I have ADHD was like fog lifting. I wasn‘t sad. I wasn’t mad. Honestly, I know I’ve had struggles because of it -and struggles due to not being treated for it- but learning this about myself has been eye opening. I’m less judgemental towards MYSELF. I finally have the picture to the puzzle I’m putting together. I’m finally realizing my strengths and using them, not hiding away and focusing on my faults and trying to fix those. Sure, to some people (maybe even most) my strengths are “cute” at best and annoyingly inconvenient at worst. Oh well. Oh fucking well. If you can seriously be around me when I’m being my full self, loving life and feeding positive energy into the room and you find that you dislike me – then honey, dislike me. Seriously. If I have to be stressed out and miserable for you to like me or to make a connection, it ain’t worth it. I’ll accept your disdain and move along.

Some things I LOVE about myself? Thank you for asking! Well, let’s see: I love that I can find the silver lining in most situations. I love that I turn a cringe into a smile and laugh when I think about a past mishap. I love that I can make friends with anyone I meet. I love that I know I’m not an expert on anything and openly welcome new ideas. I love that I am outgoing and friendly and encouraging. I love that I give myself goosebumps when I’m excited and see endless possibilities. I love that I share my struggles and issues so openly. I love that I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, even if it means I sometimes get fooled – because not a damn person on this Earth can turn my heart to ice. I love that I am becoming myself more and more everyday – and falling for that girl in the process.

I’ve heard the whole “be yourself and the people who are for you will find you” advice, or something like that. Well, I gotta be for ME. I need to be my people! So, that’s what I’ve been becoming, someone who appreciates me and my strengths. Damn, it is so freeing to accept yourself. To realize that the things you love about you are lovable simply because YOU love them. I’d been searching for a manual or a guide to show me how to live authentically, just to find that it would literally miss the whole point, because no one can teach me how to be authentic – only I know what that means to me. And only you know what that means to you. I hope you look at yourself and love what you see. I hope you make yourself giggle. I hope you can laugh when you think of a mistake or embarrassing moment. I hope you can identify your own values, your own unique strengths, and your own expectations of life. Then I hope you can summon the courage and live into that. I hope you give yourself butterflies. Love yourself, goddamnit – we are our own soulmates.

Xoxo,

Terri