When I first realized I have ADHD I was actually thrilled. Finally, it all makes sense now! I found the missing piece. Yeah, there were definitely struggles and mistakes in my life due to being untreated for it, but man I was just so fucking happy to have an answer that I didn’t even look at any of those experiences as negatives. I knew myself, and it turns out I haven’t been wrong about me all these years. I seriously leaned right into it, letting my freak flag fly and dropping all the expectations I put on myself to be “normal” my whole life. It took so long to get here, why would I waste anymore time? I’d been trying to silence a part of me, probably one of the biggest parts of me because of all that it entails, just to prove to everyone that I deserved a chance, a seat at their table. If I could just be less of a burden and less annoying, quieter, smarter, more put together and make everybody happy then maybe they’d want me around. Maybe they would tolerate me at least, not kick me out or push me away. But once I learned of my ADHD and how my brain operates, I started to give that shit up. I was a flower trying to grow in cement, wondering why my colors were too loud for the sidewalks.
Unfortunately, the thing you don’t hear about therapy is that it actually kind of sucks. It SUCKS for so much of it before it gets good. At least that’s what I’m counting on, being that I’m still in the suck. Why can’t I fast forward this part? I’m impatient, but is patience really a virtue? Who does that serve? Hello brain gods! I got my ass in therapy and dug up all this shit, I’m doing the work, can I please be healed now? What do you mean “process” it, did you not get the memo that I have a learning disability, can ya give me a break please?
There have been many times in the past 5 months that I wished I never started, that I didn’t want to better myself. Goddamn, it was so much easier shrugging everything off and making jokes about the shitty things and taking the blame for other people’s harmful actions towards me so that I could just go on, never allowing myself to be in the dreaded “victim mindset.” Sometimes you are a victim though, and even if you choose to use the term “survivor” instead, somebody still intentionally victimized you and caused harm. Taking the blame for them can only cover up your pain for so long, trust me that shit will come up one way or another. The only way to really heal from it is to look at it and see the truth, which can actually feel worse than the experience felt at the time. The stark realization that what you went through was a trauma. But being in survival mode will trick you like that.
I won’t go into detail there, at least not for now. Maybe one day. Or maybe not. What I do want to talk about is the way I’m discovering more about myself in this process: I felt like my whole life I’d been building myself a house of cards, one half ass coping mechanism delicately balanced on top of another. I started to see them slipping away, so I just knocked the whole thing over. Who am I? What do I stand for? What do I want out of life and what do I want to experience? What kind of imprint do I want to leave on this world? I started actively identifying my values, trying to narrow down my top 5. I figure if I can do that then all the overwhelming decisions that come about can be simplified if I refer to those. If I know what values align with my best self, my truest self then any action I take that respects that will be the right one. I’m being very intentional not to have any societal or neurotypical filters on when doing so, I need this to be fully me. I want to be fully me. I know one value that will without a doubt always remain in my top 5: authenticity. Am I being true to myself? Also, is what I’m asking of another person allowing them to be true to themselves too? I don’t think I’m so special that I’m the only one deserving to walk this Earth in my full authenticity, it’s important to me that others are able to do so as well. I’ve decided that I won’t hide my flaws anymore, I won’t sugarcoat the shit, and I won’t pretend to be anything that I am not just to please people. If I want anyone to care about me, if anyone chooses to care about me, they’re going to care about the full me. The true me. The authentic me. And I want their authentic selves to be the ones caring about me. I don’t really feel like wasting my time or precious energy on anything less.
If you are hurting, if you are lonely, if you are scared to show anyone the real you -please know that you are welcome to reach out to me. There is a chat link on this website and my email address is listed here as well. You are worthy, you are deserving of happiness and healing. Your truth is just as important as anyone else’s.