No surprise here: I go to therapy. I do a lot of my own researching and introspection, but at a certain point I knew I needed the help of a professional to sort this head of mine out. When I was officially diagnosed with ADHD I got a prescription for medication and that was it, no other form of treatment. Honestly, I was against meds in the beginning. I wanted therapy, coaching, perhaps a personal assistant… I eventually tried the medication and can say that I am indeed happy for it. But I still very much needed therapy. By the time I found someone local, I’ve nailed down a few things that I absolutely wanted to address, from growing up undiagnosed to learning how to respect myself and *deep breath* traumatic experiences. Bottom line: I want to live authentically. I want to be ME, and I want to understand me and love me and show up for me.
A few notes on the way ADHD shows up for me: 1. My memory is actually spectacular, my brain literally files away everything - but sometimes I forget something exists if it’s not in sight or top of mind. I don’t forget, I just forget to remember. 2. I‘ve got emotions, and man do I feel them fully, but I don’t act based off of my emotions. I let my emotions lead me to questions, to solutions, to better understanding and informed action. Sometimes that action is removing myself from certain energies, sometimes it’s me doing an attitude adjustment or seeing from a different perspective. 3. The more I lean into my natural abilities, the more at peace I am and make actual strides in whatever I’m trying to do. 4. The less I let the anxiety to do things the way neurotypicals do control me, the easier it all becomes. 5. I have an incredibly caring heart, and nobody’s actions can change that. I may get fooled, but no one has the control to manipulate me into being bitter. I wouldn’t be me if I let it.
I’ve been making progress with therapy. Like I’ve said before I was on this journey alone for a while, becoming so self-aware that I can laugh at myself and appreciate the way I think. I laugh at myself a LOT. I swear I crack myself up, I am fucking funny sometimes. So when I started therapy and had my mental list of items I wanted to understand or heal from, I knew there would be tough emotions to get through. Tough memories to relive. Tough experiences to process. Tough shit. I was going to walk through that fire if it was the last thing I did, because I knew there was no way around it if I wanted to be my best self. I am still walking through that fire, but I’m also still alive. Fiery and alive.
Lately I’ve been kind of all over the place. I am feeling every emotion more intensely and more frequently than I can ever remember. But I’m also more graceful with myself about it all. I’m more aware of my thoughts and prouder of my improvements. It is seriously such a strange fucking thing. I feel like I’m the messiest I’ve ever been, yet also the healthiest. I described it like this to my therapist: You know when you’re cleaning and organizing or rearranging a room and at one point it looks like a total disaster? You’ve been working for hours and somehow it just looks like a tornado came through. To any bystander it would seem chaotic! But you just know what the process will lead to, you can see it so clearly. That pile over there is to be donated, this one is going straight in the dumpster, and those things are to be addressed more closely to see if there’s still a need or desire to hold onto. I’m feeling everything, observing it all and noticing every detail. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed. I’m letting go, I’m remembering, I’m giving my attention to what deserves it, and I’m facing the shitty things head on.
If you’re in the middle of healing it’s totally normal to feel the waves. If you’re like me, and you’re the messiest and healthiest version of yourself right now, keep going. I promise nothin’s the matter with your head.
Until next time friends,