Oh hey, not me just showing up after being silent on here for a few months! So where the hell have I been?! I think I've been hiding. I have a dozen posts saved in my drafts, notes jotted down everywhere, ideas constantly swimming through my head, and have yet to put a complete post together. Part perfectionism and part procrastination. Add a dash of embarrassment too while we're at it. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW I'm not perfect (trust me, even if I didn't tell myself this everyday there are tons of people in my life who do so for me each day). It's that damn perfectionism that creeps in when you're trying to do something but you you keep stalling and editing and rethinking because you don't think it's good enough... it's debilitating. I could spend forever agonizing over doing something perfectly and make the biggest mistake of all: waiting too long. I've spent way too many years waiting and wasting time, sleeping on myself. I decided a couple years ago I wouldn't do that anymore. Who the fuck am I kidding? I keep falling back into that trap. I forgot a few things - not everyone has to like me (seriously wtf), my imperfections inspire the people who need it at the right time, and I never promised anyone that I WOULD be perfect. Truthfully I think the perfectionism is a form of procrastination, or maybe the other way around. I don't know for sure, but they're connected somewhere in there. And as for the embarrassment? Oh ya know just sharing the state of my mental health & experiences on the World Wide Web while trying to incorporate that openness with the the people in my life and… let’s just say this girl had one too many glasses of wine playing board games on Thanksgiving. I totally opened the flood gates on all the challenges I’ve had, what I’m facing right now, and some of my least favorable decisions… eh, my Mama still loves me, my aunts still showed support, and the best friend-slash-cousin a girl could ask for encouraged me to speak my truth instead of shielding it away. She knows all the skeletons in my closet, or at least most of them. And she always supports me and listens without judgement. She‘s the first person I told that I have ADHD and she never doubted me once, just accepted me and asked questions to better understand. We all need a Chrissy in our lives.
I've been really digging deep with therapy the past few months. I'm not quite ready to share it all on here yet, and I may never be. That's okay, I’m respecting my privacy and the privacy of others (whether they deserve it or not). I'm not looking for recognition or revenge or pity. I think I'm doing shadow work or something, who the fuck knows. I understand that I can’t change the past, go back in time and talk to my younger self, no matter how much that sucks. But what I can do is talk to those who are currently going through shit I’ve been through, or are also processing things from their lives and may benefit from another person sharing. I don’t want to wait until I have it all figured out to start helping people with my experiences. No shade to them, but I don't want to be like those who only share their advice once they’ve hit a certain following or are able to monetize it somehow. I wanted to take you guys along my journey of self-discovery so that I could help you love and respect yourselves too, then I hit a hurdle, got distracted, and forgot what there even was to love about myself and I had to take a pause. Shame on me for not continuing when it could have been the most impactful thing I shared for someone else. The good news is, I’m back and I’m still on the struggle-bus so we can motivate each other!
First stop, music: in my last post (that I said I’d be following up on within a week 😬) I talked about how much music has helped me. Well, music is ALWAYS helping me. It’s the first thing I listen to when I wake up - music that gives me strength and motivation and makes me feel like a badass. While I’m getting ready for the day I gotta do the music that lifts my spirits and matches my positive, silly energy. I can’t go out into the world if I haven’t already reminded myself of who I am and what I bring to it. So I challenge you: find a random playlist with tunes that make you happy and start your day with it. You don’t have to nail down a boring ten item morning routine, you don’t have to plan out your entire day before you look in the mirror, and you most definitely don’t have to do anything that sets your mind on other people’s expectations when you first wake up. Believe me, your soul will thank you for it.
Thank you for being patient with me and thank you for letting me be myself. Let's get back to figuring out our own ways to our own success & fulfillment.
Oh, by the way… I got a tattoo recently and I’m pretty stoked about it. One of my favorite lines from a song that makes me feel amazing. Because goddamnit, I AM powerful, but I’m also a little bit tender. Don’t tell my mom.
Until next time friends,