Updated: May 29
My favorite color is green. I love Mexican food. I love the beach and Summer and bonfires and camping and swimming. I’m a dog person, I mean don’t get me wrong I absolutely love cats too, a home isn’t complete without both, but doggos are the MVP in my book. I love music. I cannot pick a favorite genre but I do know that Come & Get Your Love is my favorite song of all time. I love dancing and singing and laughing. I’ve always enjoyed reading, although I haven’t had the bandwidth to actually do so lately. I used to run a lot, but I can’t seem motivate myself to do that either. I’m not sure I remember what motivation is anymore… or have I lost interest in these things I once used as an escape, because I’m no longer willing to find a temporary escape to gloss over the fact that I have not been living the life I want?
It seems silly, like just live the life you want then, right? The problem is, I’m not entirely sure what that life looks like. At least not enough to know where to go from here. But I’m doing it anyway, I’m starting over. I’m reexamining everything in my life, I’m discovering what it is I want life to be. All I know for sure is that I want (and deserve) a life of fulfillment. A life I’m excited for everyday, even on the hard days. Especially on the hard days.
See, I don’t know what I want because I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s like I know, but it’s hidden beneath the surface and I haven’t been able to dig it out quite yet. Have you ever had those moments when you’re doing something or have a thought and go “Oh my god WHO am I?!” Whether it was in disgust or amusement, the shock of not recognizing your voice is fucking weird. But I realized that most of the time when that happens, whatever I did or said WAS the real me inside, quick wit or instant idea… it was shocking because it wasn’t the “me” I’ve been playing for so long. It wasn’t recognizable as who I have become for everyone else in my life.
I have spent, pretty much my entire life, molding myself to fit into everyone else’s lives. Making myself more acceptable to their needs, demands, desires. More palatable. More accommodating. If I could just remember who I am, if I could just unearth the woman inside, then maybe I can start to feel alive again.
I want to write. I want to speak. I want make people laugh with humor that also inspires others to be themselves. I want to show everyone how important they are, to show them how to accept themselves and love themselves… But I guess I have to start with myself as that target audience. I thought I was so much further along in my journey a year ago when I started this blog. Has it ALREADY been a year? Has it ONLY been a year? Honestly since 2018 I don’t think my grasp of time has worked even slightly. What month is 2019? Literally how time feels for me. The journey has only just begun, but it’s going to have some of the best experiences, most joyful moments, deepest connections, and truest understanding of myself.
I know that my favorite color is green. That I’m a Summer girl; a dog person; a reader & a writer. I love to laugh and make others laugh; I love the beach and Mexican food and horror movies and music and coffee. I may not know everything about myself right now, I may not know exactly how to package myself to present to the world, but goddamnit I know I won’t let that determine who it is I discover myself to be. I know who I am deep down, even if I haven’t fully found her yet.